Son of a Motherless goat

¡Three Amigos! i

Oct 8

Criticism & Insult Day

Other Scottish Country Dances for this Day

Criticism & Insult Day

Son of a Motherless goat

Octopus Day

Round Reel of Eight

Today's Musings, History & Folklore

A Scottish Country Dance teacher would never critique a dancer harshly… uh… right? 😇

Well, don’t take it to heart. That biting little observation about footwork, phrasing, posture, covering, handing… isn’t really an insult. (Maybe.) Instructors are only trying to get your attention and improve technique and performance. Surely.

So on National Insult Day, keep those stinging criticism-witticisms in check—or, if you’re on the receiving end, hold back those rude retorts—and let the occasional pointed remark slide off like water off a motherless goat’s back. It’s all part of traditional Scottish Country Dance training!

And today’s dance has just the right title for the occasion: “Son of a Motherless Goat,” a 32-bar reel for three couples in a four-couple set, devised by Tom Halpenny. For an extra challenge this dance contrains an arandel and a 3 couple ladies' chain!

The wonderfully ridiculous title comes from the 1986 comedy ¡Three Amigos! In one scene, the clueless Amigos mistake a gang of very real bandits for actors and begin hurling theatrical insults at them—including the unforgettable “son of a motherless goat!” The devisor was amused and inspired by both this phrase and an impromptu dance sequence which featured "a shuffle a sideways right-shoulder reel of three,
followed by solo lead down and up, then a chase clockwise." 🐐😂

Of course, insults and oaths have always had their regional flavor, and Shakespeare gives Scotland a particularly memorable contribution. The Scottish Play has some splendid examples—Shakespeare certainly wasn’t restrained when he set Macbeth there.

When a frightened servant arrives with unwelcome news, Macbeth greets the poor fellow with:

“The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!
Where got’st thou that goose look?”

And he’s only warming up. Within a few lines, the unfortunate messenger has also been promoted to a “lily-liver’d boy.”

Across countries and centuries, people have shown remarkable creativity in finding ever more colorful ways of calling out the awkward, ungainly and terminally uncoordinated. Some wonderfully old-fashioned examples include:

England: Clodhopper! — an awkward, heavy-footed or clumsy person
Scotland: Gawk! — an awkward or ungainly person; a gawky fool
Ireland: Liúdramán! — an awkward, clumsy fellow or lout
France: Maladroit! — awkward, inept or clumsy
Spain: Patoso! — clumsy or awkward, related to pato, “duck”
Italy: Goffo! — awkward, ungainly or lacking grace
Germany: Tölpel! — a clumsy oaf or bungler
Russia: Nedotëpa! — an inept, bungling or hopelessly clumsy person
Poland: Niezdara! — a bungler or clumsy incompetent
Sweden: Klumpeduns! — a clumsy oaf or lummox
China: Bènshǒu-bènjiǎo! (笨手笨脚) — literally, “clumsy hands and clumsy feet”

So the next time a set dissolves spectacularly somewhere around bar 24, take comfort in knowing that dancers have an entire international vocabulary available to explain what just happened.

Teachers, however, might still want to begin with, “That was very nearly right…” 😄 🕺 💃 💙 🤍 💙 🐐 🐐 🐐

Son of a Motherless goat

Should you feel as if you might need to reach back in history for some insulting nouns, here's a fine selection:

Coxcomb — a vain, conceited fool.
Dunderhead / Dunderheid — a blockhead; someone impressively thick.
Mooncalf — a foolish, malformed, or witless person.
Mumblecrust — an old toothless beggar; excellent for someone muttering incomprehensibly.
Scullion — literally a lowly kitchen servant; used contemptuously for a dirty, menial fellow.
Churl — originally a common freeman, but increasingly an ill-bred, boorish person.
Knave — originally simply a boy or servant; later a dishonest rogue.
Varlet — a servant or attendant, eventually a contemptible rascal.
Caitiff — a miserable, cowardly wretch.
Miscreant — originally an unbeliever or heretic; later simply a thoroughly bad person.
Poltroon — a contemptible coward.
Recreant — a coward who gives up or submits dishonorably.
Lout — an awkward, stupid, ill-mannered fellow.
Clodpoll — literally something like “clod-head”: a thick-headed idiot.
Noddy — a fool or simpleton.
Ninnyhammer — a spectacularly silly fool.
Gudgeon — a small fish, hence someone so gullible they are easily “caught.”
Jobbernowl — a blockhead or numbskull.
Rudesby — an uncouth, insolent fellow.
Slubberdegullion — a filthy, slobbering, worthless person.
Scobberlotcher — an idle person who does nothing useful.
Fustilarian — a fat, slovenly, contemptible fellow.
Lickspigot — essentially a contemptible toady or hanger-on.
Muckspout — someone with a filthy mouth.
Sot — a fool, particularly a drunken one.
Milksop — a weak, timid, ineffectual person.
Jackanapes — an impudent, conceited little fellow.
Prating fool — someone who talks incessantly while saying very little.
Addlepate — a confused or foolish person.
Beetle-brained — stupid or dull-witted.
Pizzle — an old word for an animal's penis, and therefore available for the medieval-minded person wishing to become considerably less polite. 😂

And a few especially useful Scottish/Scots choices:

Dunderheid — blockhead.
Gowk — fool; also a cuckoo.
Numpty — a fool, though much more modern than it sounds.
Glaikit — foolish, vacant-looking or witless.
Dreich — technically gloomy/dreary rather than an insult, but devastating when applied to someone's personality.
Scunner — a thoroughly objectionable person or something that produces disgust.
Sleekit — sly, sneaky or crafty.
Nyaff — an irritating, insignificant little person.
Eejit — idiot; more Irish/Scots vernacular than genuinely medieval.
Bampot — a fool or lunatic, but again modern Scots rather than medieval.

And if you're a dance teacher, here's a ready made one for a set that has gone catastrophically wrong:

“Ye glaikit collection of clodpolls, gowks and ninnyhammers!”

For the scene that inspired this dance title, click the movie poster!

Click the dance cribs or description below to link to a printable version of the dance!